“I have, and shall always remain....”
…a gamer.
To be clear, this post is going to be about a roll playing game, (RPG), and if you shudder at the concept of a post-pubescent stereotypical nerd regaling the exploits of his character in first person, polyhedral dice, or character generation techniques, go here.
…are they gone? ‘the coast clear? Okay…cool, nothin’ but geeks left in here…
I play an RPG with my friends that we call 'Merc World'. Don’t bother trying to find it online or in stores because it's a bit of a patchwork of gaming systems patched together by a friend of mine who has been running characters from this very game for over 30 years. I came to discover it through a mutual friend who shared a few wild-stories that were born of this game, elements of which include the following quotes;
“Wait, son, it might be loaded”
“It’s not happy!”
“Does it have hard points?”
And my personal favorite,
“…So…we get a cow.”
Each of these quotes can easily unfold into a screenplay the likes over which Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie would salivate. Michael Bay could, conceivably, participate in this salivary soirée if that tells you anything, but over all, non-stop hilarity is the word of the day when it comes to the things that happened during this game. Sufficient to say, when we play this game we do a ton of laughing, (which by the way, is clinically good for you, so do it and do it often, Mm-Kay?).
When we arrive at Ron’s house, one by one, we take our seats as though they were assigned to us. My wife, Noelle sits next to Ron as they have such fun making each other laugh through whispered asides regarding the inane actions which my character, (Larry Stickle*), takes. I sit next to Jorge, whose dice couldn’t roll in his favor even if he loaded them and the results of which he takes with a genuine aplomb. Greg sits by Rick as an adjunct to Rick’s direction of the game and sometimes we get Clarke at the table, which invariably adds a note of acerbic wit. The table at which we sit has both leafs in it and usually has chips, salsa and sometimes a healthy snack, although the Red Vines® are a staple.
…but you knew that.
We spend something like 5-7 hours running through situations that Rick throws at us and he always manages to put each of our characters through situations rife with opportunities to exploit skills that absolutely *none* of our characters possess.
To make things more fun, I attempt to do something outside my character’s scope of ability, such as; attempt to fly a helicopter, throw a grenade from a moving station wagon, (again…longer story), at the worst possible time - despite the fact that we’ve achieved our objective, won the girl in the end, and have slain the evil drug lord. It makes for a lot of laughter, as I can’t resist making ‘Larry’ say;
“How hard can it possibly be??”
Rick has a sentence for when I do this;
“Only you can snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory”
…and I do it, oh-so-well.
I’ll wrap up by explaining how I describe Merc World to people interested in playing it. You mush have a character with a dossier which describes in detail; psychological downfalls, personality ticks, and how many different government agencies want the character…listing each inane reason in embarrassing and entertaining detail. A quote from the psychologist tends to liven up the descriptions. (pick one of the quotes above and respond to this post if you think you know which one appears in an actual character’s phych-evaluation).
I broke free from the govern-MENTAL protocol when I drew up a character that owned a wirehaired retriever as a sidekick. The dog had it’s own rolling chart and is also the reason I’m writing this post. I had thought I lost it, but apparently I posted it on an old blog along with the main character’s back-story!
Rather than be easy about it, I’m copying and pasting it all here for your enjoyment. So, not only do you get the blog post outta’ me this time around, you get a little nugget of how I formulate my game characters!
Before I hand the rest of this blog over to a fiction-fest, please know that my writing style has changed since THURSDAY, JANUARY 27, 2005 (when I wrote this). Any grammatical acrobatics or inconsitancies can be chalked up to over-excitement and under-proofreading.
And now, for your enjoyment, please enjoy Chip “Doolittle” Jameson and his 'Wonder Dog' 'Skip'…
Chip Jameson is a descendant of the famous Lieutenant Colonel James H. Doolittle.
Chip admired his great grandfather, and wanted, more than anything, to become a pilot. By age 18, he had taken it upon himself to become familiarized with the principals of flight through books, computer simulators, and his father. At Age 21, he soloed in a Piper Cub and graduated to faster and more maneuverable aircraft as the years progressed.
At age 25 he started a flight school, specializing in vintage aircraft. His clients vary from hobbyists to multi-millionaires and as such, his business expanded from his hometown of Pebble Beach, California to an international operation dubbed “Maiden Flight”. On a trip to Cartagena, Columbia he was to instruct a young man in flight basics. His father Jesus Dominguez approached him on the tarmac. He wanted Chip to instruct his son using the Cessna 172 parked near the rusty hanger rather than the P38 Lightning mentioned on the phone, which was nowhere to be seen. Jesus explained in cool controlling words why he misled Chip. Firmly cupping his shoulder, He explained that he simply wanted one of the best instructors to teach his son to fly. Chip nervously accepted the flattery but upon discovering the condition of the aircraft, he refused for safety reasons. This upset Dominguez, and as Chip lit up a cigarette, they both walked towards the runway offices discussing alternatives to the dilemma at hand. It was poor luck when at that moment a gunshot was heard, and a chunk of tarmac flew up at their feet. Several more bullets flew and they scattered for cover. While evading gunfire, a bullet grazed Chip’s left hand, flinging the cigarette he had just lit up through a nearby window. The situation, worsening, all Chip could think to do was to get safety. He rounded the corner of the building, and entered the first door he found. He paused in the doorway long enough to see his lit cigarette smoldering on some papers next to a tangle of lab equipment where Dominguez’ Cacao was being processed. The flames leapt and Chip was blown back out of the door, landing in the back of an old military jeep. A white Terrier sat in the passenger seat with keys to the vehicle in his mouth. As chip struggled to the front seat, he discovered that he’d landed on something – Two King Cobra .357 revolvers in their holsters. Bullets ricocheted off the jeep’s chassis and having never handled anything more than a flare gun, he fired wildly back at those who would kill him. One of Chip’s bullets found a sedaline-welding rig. It exploded, killing Dominguez’s son, (decapitating him).
Mortified and rattled by this, Chip asked the dog for the keys. The dog surprisingly jumped into Chip’s lap and surrendered the keys! He got the jeep started and didn’t stop driving until he ran out of gas. It was dark when he decided to hike back to his plane, the dog following him all the way back to the airfield. After managing to top off the fuel tanks in his C-47 Douglass, he fired up the Pratt and Whitney’s and narrowly escaped Dominguez’s men. After crossing into Panamanian airspace, Chip was startled by the Terrier leaping into the Co-pilot seat. He thought for sure he’d set that dog free…
It was over the skies north of Los Manos, Guatemala where his fuel gauges suddenly dropped to “Empty”. He “deadsticked” the plane to a local airfield whereupon exiting his C-47, he was greeted by 5 greasy looking characters that said they’d fuel him up for free if Chip would fly them and their “cargo” to San Diego. Desperate to get home, he accepted. The flight back was eerily quiet, save growling from the dog, which Chip named “Skip” somewhere over the Panama Coast.
Unable to get clearance at Lindbergh Field in San Diego, Chip was forced to land at the Coast Guard Air Station. This news reached the 5 greasy characters and they rushed forward, demanding that Chip turn back. Skip drew one of the guns from under his seat and all five somehow procured parachutes and exited the plane before he could get a word off. The CIA, and National Guard and the DEA greeted Chip after he landed.
As it turns out, Dominguez family has run the Drug cartel in Columbia for the past 20 years and the death of Jesus’ son sensitized the situation there. To irritate matters more, five unidentified objects were seen falling from chips plane before approach. During this de-briefing, a lieutenant interrupted with news that the C-47’s tail section was packed with several Kilos of uncut Cocaine and ten duffle bags of Marijuana.
Later that afternoon, five lifeless bodies were found floating in the San Diego Bay, each wearing faulty parachutes. They were identified as leading members of Southern Guatemalan Cartel, Luis Carrasco.
Fortunately, CIA operatives who witnessed the events in Cartagena unfold corroborated Chip’s story. Chip became an instant hero with front-page recognition as “the man who flew home the largest drug bust in California history” with his amazing story. With his face plastered all over the news, Jesus Dominguez could easily track Chip. So could Luis Carrasco who lost five good men and some irreplaceable contraband that day.
Never expecting to enjoy the kick of a gun, Chip joined the NRA and practices with his Columbian .357’s on a bi-weekly basis. Due to the economy and his new gun habit, “Maiden Flight” flight school was taking a downward turn. The economy and gas prices weren’t helping any either so, Chip decided to take up other interests and study veterinary skills.
He also worked as a lab assistant to for a local Vet named Doctor Bertrand Haeberschmidt. One day he brought Skip in for a checkup. Later that afternoon, Chip took a cigarette break out back and witnessed His Terrier, Skip, being chased out of Fung Hu’s across the street by a butcher knife-wielding chef. Skip dodged four cars, bounded off the saddlebag of a passing motorcycle, skidded across the hood of a parked Cadillac, and landed in Chip’s arms. This took place in less than 3 seconds.
The Chef who was chasing him wasn’t so lucky as when he entered the second lane, he was struck by an animal control truck and then slammed into by a city bus going the other way. As it skidded to a halt, the Banner on the side of the bus displayed an ad from the A.S.P.C.A. Chip discovered though creative meddling, that Haeberschmidt was not only conducting genetic experiments on the animals, but selling dogs to the Chinese food restaurants around town! Haeberschmidt was arrested that afternoon and his lab was taken as evidence.
During the trial, Chip implicated the Doctor as a “Mad scientist” after he confessed to injecting Skip. Haeberschmidt, when sentenced to be deported back to Germany, pointed one of his three fingers at Chip and swore he’d find him.
Today, Chip and Skip live their lives in California and are blissfully unaware that plans for his demise draw closer every day.
Because Skip is a wonder dog, at any point during a game, when Chip says “go get ‘em Skip!”, the person running the game references this d20 chart to see what the little guy does…
Skip the dog, (Chip Jameson’s wonder dog):
Skip was a test subject in doctor Bertrand Von Haeberschmidt’s genetics lab, which was being fronted as a local Vet. Skip remembers the needles, and the strangely flavored food and when he sees anyone in a lab coat, he’ll go for their pant leg without mercy.
Depending on Skip’s loyalty, he will obey his master and do, to the best of his ability, what Chip asks. If Chip misses his loyalty roll, Skip will do one of the following 20 things:
1. Licks his balls
2. Humps the nearest person’s leg
3. Fetches a BEER.
4. Plays dead (on his back with all four legs splayed out – tongue hanging out)
5. Barks for five minutes
6. Lift’s leg and pees
7. Farts and wag his tail
8. Stares at Chip
9. Chases his tail
10. Curls up and takes a nap and snores
11. Runs away for the remainder of the day (returns next morning)
12. Starts chewing-up the nearest upholstered item (car seats included)
13. Craps on the nearest pair of shoes
14. Digs small useless hole
15. Jumps up on Chips chest and licks his face
16. Runs off and fetches ammo for a different kind of gun than Chips
17. Gets his favorite rubber bone
18. Fetches a lacey bra and panties, (strangely, no screams are heard)
19. Does what chip asks but with distressing accuracy.
20. Licks his balls
Be glad I didn’t go into my main character “Larry Stickle” :)
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